Feelings and Emotions following a Miscarriage
Miscarriage is a common and a regular event in pregnancy. It is estimated that miscarriage occurs in approximately 1 in 4 pregnancies, and for some people, it occurs more than once. However, despite how common it is, having a miscarriage can be a deeply emotional and complicated journey, and people can experience it in many different ways
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Pregnancy loss is not talked about as openly as it could be, for any number of reasons, i.e., that it feels very personal, that there is often a level of discomfort around grief and loss, and that it may feel awkward, in general, to talk about bodies. While the causes of early pregnancy loss vary, understanding the factors involved can provide clarity and support. With more open conversation around pregnancy loss, the people who experience it may begin to feel less isolated.
Everyone experiences miscarriage differently. Some people will not feel or express the emotions that they might expect, or that others might expect them to feel or express, and that is okay. Feelings may be numbed, delayed, or even may be contradictory. There is no one way, or right way, to respond. What is most important is to try to allow space, acceptance, and compassion for whatever feelings arise.​​
​And while the above is true, people who have a miscarriage often experience the same cycle of emotions as those who have lost a close relative or friend; denial, anger, guilt, sadness, anxiety, depression, feelings of emptiness and longing, are all part of the normal grieving process.
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Following a positive pregnancy test, you may have already begun to imagine how life as a parent would be. You may have started to make plans for a new baby to join your family. If you have had previous successful pregnancies, it can be difficult to understand why this pregnancy was not the same.
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“I had two perfectly normal and healthy pregnancies before this one and it simply never occurred to me that I would miscarry. I went to the hospital for my first scan full of excitement only to discover that I had a missed miscarriage. I was utterly shocked and initially didn’t actually believe it”.
Suddenly realising you are bleeding and in pain can be really frightening. Managing the physical symptoms can initially distract from how you may feel about your loss.
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“I was so consumed with the physical reality of a miscarriage, managing the pain and heavy bleeding, that it wasn’t until that part was all over that the sadness and tears came. At that stage I was back at home, on my own, and it was very lonely”.
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A pregnancy loss may leave you feeling isolated. You may also feel disappointed and think that your body has let you down. Your emotions can change daily. There is no set pattern, and depending on what else is going on in your life, some days will be easier than others.
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It is important to remember that miscarriage is not your fault.
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Getting your first period after a miscarriage can be a particularly hard experience, as the bleeding can remind you of your miscarriage and the loss of a baby you may have really wished for. With time, support and giving yourself a chance to physically recover, you should gradually start to feel better.
“I couldn’t understand how my body had let me down. I was fit, healthy and had done all the rights things. I kept going back over the previous few weeks wondering what I had done that might have caused this…..I was full of guilt and confusion and overwhelmed with jealously and anger when I saw other people walk around with pregnancy bumps”.
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If, after giving yourself time to grieve and heal, you have continued trouble coping with daily life (i.e. loss of appetite, inability to sleep or focus at work, becoming isolated from family and friends), or if you have ongoing feelings of anxiety (an even more common symptom following miscarriage than depression), your GP can provide support and refer you for professional counselling if required.
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“Talking to a few trusted people was helpful too and it was only then that I realised how many others had similar experiences and I wasn’t so alone in it”.
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Some of the available supports listed on our website may also be helpful to you.